Making Man Happy

I heard the funniest thing last evening about keeping husbands happy in the face of a miserable attitude. The three steps to change a bad attitude into a good one were called the "Toddler Approach."

The steps:

1. Feed them. Are they hungry? When did they eat last?

2. Give them a nap. They are tired.

3. Wash them. They may be dirty somewhere, but this only happens in about 3 percent of the cases.

Patrick and I discussed "Toddler Approach" to being handled, as we are both husbands. He felt that the whole world always looks better on a full stomach. I have to concur, I remember being in Disney World last summer and the experience was beginning to degrade in the face of rain and exhaustion. A great lunch saved the day. I also know from personal experience that life is a lot better after an afternoon nap. 

As for item three-we had never really experienced the idea of being dirty and needing cleansing.

And then it hit me, these three steps to taming an ornery man weren't funny or cute--they were true.

Deep psychology.

-- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

Darwin Awards 2013

I love the annual Darwin Awards and I'm sorry I missed when the winners were announced during August. But, I have recovered and ran across the 2013 winners and want to share a couple with you. I found them as reported by a fellow blogger in My Underwood Typewriter.  

The 2013 winner, as reported in the blog was:

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here Is The Glorious Winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

I urge you to log onto the blog and read the honorable mentions--they are pretty funny.

My favorite is this one which came in at number 10.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

-- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

Into the Darkness

Although it is only October, I have already done three days in a row of going to work in darkness and coming home after dark. Usually, I do not get to experience the thrill of Alaskan-like sunshine depravity until after Thanksgiving--but this year is crazy in more than one way.

First off, for those of you who were following my furlough exploits, I was not clear in stating that I am no longer furloughed. Congress, in a rare moment of lucidity passed a bill which allowed for many civilians related to military support to be recalled to work, and I was among that blessed group. That is why I am not answering the house phone during the middle of the day.

No, I am at work missing all of the sunshine and more recently, rain. AND NOT complaining about it.

This week has been busy with late, long meetings followed by racquetball matches. Or a family emergency that we are working through. I am leaving the house about 5:10 AM and returning somewhere close to 8 PM.

All of the travel in darkness means that I am not in a very good mood. Last evening I was at the pharmacy trying to pick up one of my regular prescriptions and was informed that the Federal Government, which is shut down I remind you, had changed some rules and I now needed to show my drivers license before they could even order my medication. Did they call me? They had had the script for four days. No. Did I want to verbally eviscerate the pharmacist? You bet! I was tired and not in a particularly good mood from driving in traffic in the rain.

Some federal worker, one of my brethren, somewhere, had reinterpreted a rule and the impact was placed squarely on me. I hope the slug is still furloughed. I had been trying to get to the pharmacy to pick the prescription up for three days. Now, I need a return trip tonight. Like that is going to happen.

What I really needed was a great dessert to drown my sorrows. Like the one I bought at Wegman's last week. But, it is already eaten. I must have an eating disorder if I think a good dessert can solve the problems of the world. Or even just my little portion of it.

Where is the ice cream? Maybe I can eat my way into next springtime.

-- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

Toilet Trouble--A Rant

I know that this is an unusual topic--discussing the potty habits of people at work, but this just has to be said: Guys Grow Up!

I was appalled the other day upon entering the men's restroom closest to my office and found that many (more than half) of the toilets had not been flushed after use..

What gives? That is just gross!

While I may be talked into a discussion of toilet paper being the greatest invention since the beginning of the world, I don't want the used variety floating in the bowl when I arrive.

Guys, grow up and clean up. Wives, girlfriends, kids, and housemates probably don't flush for you, so don't expect someone at work to follow and flush behind you!

And one other thing--lift the seat if you are not sitting when you use the toilet. That is gross too!

And we wonder why laws are passed governing the most obvious things, like not texting when we drive--if we can't get toilet habits down, how are we ever going to drive a vehicle?

Nuff said!

-- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

What Happened to Springtime?

A friend sent me this.

It says it all.

Phil is no longer my friend.

-- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

Falling off the Fiscal Cliff

Saw this editorial cartoon by Steve Kelley in today's USA Today.

I feel much the same way.

I'm not too sure my wallet can sustain the demands of the holiday season.

It seems the presents are mounting faster than the money necessary to pay for them.

I think that Chris and I will singlehandedly bring the country out of its fiscal doldrums.


--  Bob Doan, writing from Denver, CO

What I did Last Night

My birthday celebration continued yesterday. Yes, I'm spoiled.

We went off to Bin 201 for a personal tasting for the entire family. Three birthdays were celebrated: mine, Mike's and Jeremy's. It was a Birthday Bash for the Boys.

Bin 201 did an awesome job with the personal wine tasting. It was fun. The wines and the food selections were great. We were there for two hours getting a personal tasting of wines from Paso Robles, Barossa Valley, Spain, and Sicily.

Afterwards though, we went across the street to Cadillac Ranch and I got to ride the bull. Really. I have never in my life ridden a bull. It was over pretty quickly. Thankfully and no bones were broken or bruised in the making of the video.

OK, it wasn't pretty.

Thanks to Chris, Nicole, and Nicole for setting up such a great evening.

-- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

Wait a Minute--What Month is it?

Chris found this image on the web--and of course knowing that Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, we had a good chuckle over this scene.

Sometimes we just get a bit ahead of ourselves. Today the Halloween decorations go back into the boxes until next year and the turkey's make their appearance.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Too Funny

One of my favorite sayings is from the first Star Wars movie when Obi Wan Kenobi is talking to the storm troopers and says "These are not the droids you are looking for. " This image just made me laugh.

Clearly, this storm trooper has had a bad day!

Hopefully, mine will be better.

I found this somewhere on the net or in Facebook--so thanks to whomever it was who posted it first. Let me know who you are and I'll be sure to give you credit.


- Bob Doan, Elkridge, MD

Saturday Humor

I received the following in my email yesterday--and I thought these 23 really summed up some of those previously unnoticed truths about life.  I especially like 2, 5, 7, and 22.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.